I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
