my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
