Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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