woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Come on in and take your pants off
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
