Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I am available for nakedness
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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