take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
