You're completely useless in the revolution.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
