just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
