Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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