saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
