Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
