Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
