Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He passed out mid-signature
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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