im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
