Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
