do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
