I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
