Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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