the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
