She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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