So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
