Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
