Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
