well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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