i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
