Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
