Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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