You really coming over, don't trick.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
