um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
