If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dear god my vagina.
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