I just cut my nipple shaving
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
