I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
