I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
