Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
