why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
