That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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