every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
