so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
