I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
