mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
