well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize