i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
