Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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