sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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