Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
