She said her name was "party"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
