I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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