nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
