I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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