my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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