Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
