I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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