Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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