If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
