I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
