i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
