I faked an abortion last night.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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