I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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