And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize